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The Wanting Comes In Waves

All Sam/Dean, All The Time

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Fic: Burn So Bright (Sam/Dean, NC-17) Chapter 4B of ?

Back to Chapter 4A
(LJ post length grrrr not again!)


“How long do you suppose a moment is to him?” Dean asked.

“Could be a second, a year, or ten, I don’t know,” Sam said. “You think Jesse will be okay?”

“Jack called him brother, so I hope that means he’s not gonna hurt him on purpose,” Dean said.

“Are we waiting here for them to come back or what?” Sam asked, staring around them at the utter destruction. They didn’t even have the house to hang out in while they waited.

“Guess so, ’s not like he can’t find us anywhere anytime he wants. Feel like doin’ a little fishing?” Dean asked, pointing at the calm lake just past the Impala.

“We’re out of food, so yeah, why not? It’ll give us something to do at least,” Sam said.

Sam got the folding chairs and blanket out of the trunk while Dean put together their collapsible fishing rods. The remaining Slim Jim that had been too old for them to eat for breakfast would have to make do as bait. Hopefully the fish would still go for it. They got themselves situated on the small dock that was almost hidden by the rocks at the shoreline. The late morning sun was higher and stronger now, it felt good to be outside. To still be alive.

“Do we still need to do something with uh…Cas or Kelly’s bodies?” Sam asked. “I noticed they were gone.”

“No, Jack and I got it taken care of last night, when you were asleep,” Dean said, casting his line out onto the calm surface of the water.

“Sorry I passed out on you guys like that,” Sam said. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you. I wish you’d woken me up.”

“No, I’m sorry, Sam. I should have waited for you, he was your friend too,” Dean said.

“It wasn’t ever the same though, I know that,” Sam said. “You were always more connected.”

Dean didn’t say anything for a long moment, staring at the sun’s reflection on the water. “He was the best and worst friend I ever had. I mean, I’ll miss him, he’s been with us for so long. But he kept making these epically bad decisions.”

“We all have though,” Sam said, quickly thumbing through the very long list he carried around even though Dean had told him he’d been forgiven for it all. Self-forgiveness was not a Winchester trait and they both knew that.

“Yeah but yours were not on the same level, he undid everything you sacrificed for, Sammy. Letting Lucifer go free was his decision, and then this whole nephilim thing came as a result of that. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that one. Maybe he just didn’t get enough of a chance to explain it to us, but we’ll never know now.”

“I think it’s hard for us to remember he was an angel, and he had a whole different way of thinking, I don’t think we ever really understood him or his reasons for doing things. I was glad he was our friend, even if he did things an enemy would do sometimes.”

Dean snorted, “Yeah, I could say the same about Crowley I guess.”

“He sacrificed himself for us, for the world. To keep Lucifer stuck there in that place. I can’t believe he actually did that,” Sam said, remembering what Crowley had said as they’d done the spell to trap Lucifer.

“Yeah, you think you really know a guy,” Dean joked, tugging at the line that had started reeling out.

“You think Mom is okay in there?” Sam finally managed to ask, to say the words they hadn’t yet managed to say out loud.

Dean sighed, which either meant he was glad Sam had broached the subject or that he didn’t want to talk about it. “No idea, hopefully she’s found the Bobby from there and is kicking Lucifer’s ass all over the place,” Dean said.

“Jack asked me if I wanted them to come back here into our world. I told him yes on mom, no on his dad. That was when you first came in the room I think.”

“Wonder if he can do something like that, bring her back?” Dean asked, playing out a little more line to make sure the fish was hooked.

“If he opens up that rip again, who knows what would come through into our world. It’s reminding me of that Stephen King story, The Mist. Or even what Professor Visayak told us about sneaking through into our world from Purgatory.”

“It’s all above our pay-grade, you know? I’m just a hunter, how the hell am I supposed to deal with all this?”

“We have been for a while now, Dean. I mean, you just played relationship counselor to God and his sister a few months ago, right?”

“Don’t like it though, I’d rather stick to ghosts and vamps, a demon now and then, throw in the occasional zombie, I’m good.” Dean reeled in his line and pouted when he saw the hook was empty. He threaded on one of the last bits of Slim-Jim.

“I don’t think we have to like it, but it still comes down to us. Chuck told us the world was in our hands when he left. I’m pretty sure this is the kind of thing he was talking about,” Sam said.

“Okay, so if we’re making decisions about the world now, is Jack a good guy or what?” Dean asked, casting his line out again.

“Unclear, it seems like he could go either way and he’s very impressionable. Maybe because he’s so new? But he believed us about Lucifer’s plans being bad for the world, he seemed to get that, so as long as no one comes along and tells him differently, I guess he’s okay. We couldn’t get rid of him anyway.”

“No, you couldn’t,” Jack said from close behind them. Jesse laughed uproariously as Sam and Dean almost fell out of their folding chairs with the surprise. In the commotion Dean let go of the fishing rod which was swiftly pulled out into the lake and disappeared under the surface.

"Aw man, that was gonna be our lunch," Dean complained.

Jack looked out over the water and the rod slowly rose up into the air, drops sparkling in the sun, the line stretched taut. Dean reached out and grabbed the pole and began reeling in whatever was on the other end. Eventually a large trout was flopping on the boards of the dock, gasping for breath.

Jack stared at the fish's struggle, seeming to be fascinated with its fight for life. "This is what you all look like when you don't want to die, because you don't know what lies beyond," he said in a flat monotone.

Jesse looked at Sam and Dean and shook his head minutely, indicating that they shouldn't answer or interrupt Jack.

"It is for beings like my brother and I to know this, and not for you or the other living things on this planet. You must live your lives to their ends, without the certainty of the next step."

Jesse spoke up then, "Jack, remember what we were talking about, right? Don't spoil the story for them, okay?"

"Yes, brother, I remember," Jack said, still staring at the fish who now lay there, dead and unmoving. He poked at it with one sneakered toe.

Sam held back a sigh of relief when he heard Jack call Jesse his brother again. Then he realized that Jack now wore clothing that actually fit him, not the oversized stuff they'd loaned him from their duffels. He seemed taller now too, more filled out and stronger looking, but his hair was still short. How did that work, Sam wondered, being able to grow some parts of oneself but not the others. Hopefully it meant that Jack had more control over his powers which could only be a good thing.

"We're glad you guys came back, everything go okay?" Sam asked Jesse.

Jesse smiled at Sam's worry. "Yeah, we're cool, Sam. He's got it under control now, right, Jack?"

Jack looked up at them then, searching, cataloging with those strange eyes. Sam felt like he'd had an x-ray of his emotions and body at the same time. Dean bumped their hips together, which meant he'd felt it too.

"Control is an illusion of course, but yes, Jesse pointed out to me that humans need the illusion to be as real as possible, so here we are."

"Jack, can I ask you something?" Sam asked, trying not to sound as hesitant as he really felt.

Jack didn't answer but nodded, still distracted by the fish.

"When you were born, what happened? Do you know how the rip or whatever it was got created?"

"You are asking if I can bring your mother back to you?" Jack asked.

"Yes, that too, but I was curious if you and Jesse had figured that out. You said something about The Balance before you left," Sam said, hoping that his honesty would help in getting an answer.

Jack didn't speak for a long moment, and Sam wondered if it would set him off again. "Your mother cannot be here, in this world. Amara did a great wrong to bring her here from where she was, The Balance was off, and that led to me coming here. My function is mostly to act as a counter-weight to that imbalance."

"Could you trade places with her?" Dean asked in a rush, excited at the idea of rescuing his mom from that hell-scape.

"Would you want me to?" Jack asked.

"Yes, I would," Dean answered honestly. "I'm sorry, but she's our mom and I'm worried about her being there."

"You specifically mean there, with my father, yes?" Jack asked, eyes laser focused on Dean.

Dean stood up straighter and squared his shoulders as if getting ready for a fight. Sam bumped his hip gently to knock him off the path of trying to provoke this endlessly powerful being.

"How would you eat this fish?" Jack asked, ending the conversation abruptly before Dean could say anything.

Dean blew out a breath and shrugged. “I can show you," Dean offered, leaning down and scooping the fish up off the dock. He wriggled the hook out of the fish's mouth and handed it to Jack. "First we have some knife work to do."

Dean demonstrated the quickest way to debone and prepare the fish for cooking while Jack closely observed.

"Why do you not consume the bones?" Jack asked, face wrinkled up as he took in the smell of fish blood and guts.

"We're too soft inside, they would hurt us," Sam said.

"Soft inside?" Jack asked, curious and instantly terrifying.

"Jack, we talked about this. People and animals, they're fragile and you can easily hurt them without even meaning to. That's why we have to always work at controlling ourselves. We don't want to kill things, not if we can avoid it. It isn't why we're here, remember?" Jesse asked, stepping forward to put a hand on Jack's shoulder and then hesitating.

"Brother, you can touch me if you need to, but I am in control. I am just—curious,” Jack said, a sly smile quickly passing over his face.

Sam felt his stomach sink at the sight of that awful smile, reminding him so strongly of Lucifer in that moment. "Dean, maybe you can show Jack how to make a cooking fire," Sam said with a face that he hoped communicated how serious this was to Dean. He turned to face Jesse so that Jack couldn't see him, "Hey, Jesse, can I talk to you for a second?" Sam walked off the dock and towards the Impala, relieved to hear just one set of footsteps following.

"What's up, Sam?" Jesse asked when Sam paused at the open Impala trunk where they were hidden from Jack and Dean.

Speaking in a low, urgent tone, Sam asked, ”He's not quite in control of himself is he?"

"No, not really, I don't think he can be in control. Not yet anyway, although he is better, we worked on some stuff while we were gone. But I'm not sure what else I can do for him until he gets there himself."

"Do we need to do something about him?" Sam asked in a whisper.

"What, like kill him?" Jesse asked, in an indignant tone. "You can't, you know."

“So he's immortal?” Sam asked.

"Something like that, yeah, and so am I, in case you get any ideas,” Jesse said.

“We wouldn’t do that—wait, how do you know that you’re not immortal—oh no, Jesse, really?" Sam asked as he realized what that admission meant. Jesse had tried and failed to kill himself at some point, probably more than one time. Probably because he’d been so scared, left alone and desperate.

"Takes one to know one, right, Sam?" Jesse answered with a wry grin.

Sam lowered his head, ashamed at how Jesse could so easily know his deepest darkest secret, the one that not even Dean really knew. "Don't tell Dean, please," Sam said.

"I won't, don't worry. I'm glad though, that you've been there, so you know what it's like," Jesse said. "Dean does too, as you know."

"Yeah, I do, but I try not to think about it too much. Both of us do that, so we can keep going," Sam admitted.

"You ever think about just not?” Jesse asked.

"What, quitting or dying?" Sam asked.

Jesse laughed at Sam’s question. ”Quitting, pretty sure dying is off the table for you two, maybe not forever, but for let's say, the long haul."

Sam couldn’t respond at all, his mind had gone blank with the thought of being semi-immortal. Maybe that was what Chuck had meant, that he was leaving the world in their hands.

“Sam, the best thing to do right now, is keep Jack calm. And as far as I could see, you were doing pretty well at that. He’s just got to learn our side of things, Lucifer was talking to him the whole time he was growing inside of his mother, filling his head with lies about humans that we need to correct.”

“Sounds like a pretty tall order, keep a nephilim on the straight and narrow until he learns enough to know that’s where he needs to be himself,” Sam said.

“If anyone can do it, it’s you and Dean,” Jesse said. “Who better than the zizop saisch, right?”

“You’ve been learning Enochian, huh?” Sam asked.

“Kinda had to, when Jack really gets going, that’s his go-to language,” Jesse said.

“Where should we go?” Sam asked.

“I think we oughta stay here for a while,” Dean said, joining them at the edge of the trunk. He reached in and grabbed their portable kitchen kit and walked back to Jack at the fire.

Sam looked at where Dean had pointed and was astonished to see the house standing there, in one piece, looking freshly painted, windows sparkling with the reflected sunlight from the lake. The tree that had been knocked over was back to shading half of the house. It was beautiful here. “You’re going to stay with us, I hope?” Sam asked.

“I’ll hang for a while, sure. Not like there’s anywhere else I’ve got to be that’s this exciting,” Jesse said with a smile.

Chapter 4C