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The Wanting Comes In Waves

All Sam/Dean, All The Time

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Finding What Can't Be Found 2/2

Finding What Can't Be Found 2/2
Author: smalltrolven
Rating: NC-17
Characters: Sam, Dean, Bela Talbot, Jesse Turner, Bobby Singer, Castiel, GodCastiel, Crowley
Warnings:  Set a couple weeks after 6.22, terribly necessary schmoop, probably too much Bela for most people
Author Note:  The story starts with Bela, but it isn’t about her at all, I promise.  In the end this is really just a curtain!fic I wrote to comfort myself during hiatus before season 7 started.  No profit being made by the author, thanks to the original creators of all these characters. 

Back to Part One
Night before the big plan goes down, Dean and Sam sit on the Impala out in Bobby’s yard, drinking beer and looking up at the stars.  They’re huddled pretty close together, sharing a little body heat while they try to relax before the day they’re dreading arrives tomorrow. “Bela tried to get me to fuck her.” Dean chuckles to himself remembering her face when he’d turned her down.

“Uh, what happened?” Sam asks a little hesitantly, not sure if he wants to know what happened, this thing between them is so new.  They haven’t talked about monogamy or anything yet.  How would he bring up something like that with his brother anyways?

“I told her no, hell no. One Winchester screwing a demon is one too many. She wasn’t too happy about it though, threatened to make me do her. But then I reminded her about the plan and how she needs me to make it work and she backed off.”

“Um, that’s good, I’m glad nothing happened” Sam tries to keep the jealousy surging through him out of his voice, but Dean knows him too well.

“Sam, you know I wouldn’t have done anything with her right?  Now that we’re, whatever we are, I’m not looking to anyone else for that.”

“What the great Dean Winchester is finally off the playing field?” Sam teases with his jealousy quickly turned into a satisfied glee.

“Yeah, I suppose.  Haven’t been like that in a long time anyways, in case you hadn’t noticed.”  Sam doesn’t say anything in response, just nods.

Dean entwines his fingers with Sam’s, resting them on his thigh, looks up at Sam, catching his eye.  “Don’t want anyone but you anyways Sam, never really did, not like this.”

Sam’s eyes widen in surprise at this confession, he’s liking this open, vulnerable Dean, feels like he’s been waiting years and years to get to see this side of him again.  “Same here Dean, took us long enough to figure it out didn’t it?” 
Dean snorts a quick laugh, “That’s the god-damned truth, glad we finally did though.”  He leans in to kiss Sam gently and thoroughly.  Sam melts into him, feeling so warm and filled up with joy at being with Dean like this, it’s such a gift, he can hardly believe it’s real. 

“This is going to sound really stupid probably, but I’ve got to try and tell you something, before tomorrow goes down, just in case, can you just listen for a second?”  Sam’s questioning eyes search Dean’s, “Sure Sam, of course, I’m all ears.”  He caresses Sam’s neck and shoulders wanting more contact and heat between them, but understanding instinctively that Sam’s got something important to get out, hoping he isn’t going to tell him he doesn’t want to be with him or something awful like that.

“You know, that first night after Cas took the wall down, when I was struggling within my mind? Well, first I had to overcome the soul-less me, which wasn’t easy, but he was an asshole and I took him out eventually.  But then Hell-me told me to stay in there and go find Jess and just be happy in my mind, he couldn’t understand why I’d want to come back out and try and deal with all the memories of Hell, he didn’t think I’d be strong enough to survive it.  But I told him, that he knew me, he knew why, that I couldn’t leave you out here all alone.  It wasn’t really a decision; it was obvious to me what I needed to do, where I needed to be.  So, I’m here now, and yeah I’m struggling with the Hell memories, shit, you know all about that, every damned night practically, but it’s easy because you’re here.  And now that we’re together.
“He squeezed Dean’s hand tighter “Well, now that we’re together I know even more that I made the right choice to come back.  I’m trying to say it was more than worth the risk, you’re worth it, we’re worth it.”

Dean isn’t sure what the hell to say to all that, he’s kind of stunned at the weight of this information that Sam’s just shared with him.  But he knows he has to respond somehow.  He turns into Sam, leans in and kisses him gently once again.  “Sam, god, Sammy, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough.  That you did that for me, for us.  You’re amazing, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known.  I swear though, if we get through this thing with Cas tomorrow, I’m going to spend our whole lives making sure it was all worth it.  That’s going to be my new goal in life, to make sure this, what third or fourth chance we’ve got, is gonna be different.  Whatever it takes we’re going to be as happy as we can, make our own choices, finally do what we want.”

Sam smiles broadly, white teeth flashing in the dark, dimples clearly visible and caresses Dean’s face with both hands.  “Sounds real good to me Dean.”  He leans in and kisses him with all the passion he’s been holding back this time, not sure where this is going since they’re out in Bobby’s yard who knows who’s watching them.  He finds he doesn’t care too much and continues exploring Dean’s hot and mobile mouth, gasping with the joy of this new feeling of finally getting to do this.  After all these years of wanting and holding back, and lying to himself, here they are bared and exposed to each other and it’s just exhilarating.  A rush of feeling makes him deepen the kiss even further, moaning into Dean’s mouth unashamedly.

Dean finally breaks it off, panting a little with all of the pent-up emotion he’s feeling, “Shit, Sam,ahh, that’s too damned good, why the hell did we wait so long to do this?”

Sam answers him panting out heatedly into his neck, “Dean, too much talking, fucking kiss me some more.” They crash back together, moaning almost in tune, hands everywhere, touching, grasping, it’s wild how fast the desire ramps up between them.  Sam pulls Dean up and over into his lap, so Dean’s legs are gripping his hips.  They gasp as their groins align together just perfectly.  Dean gasping a bit more because he’s surprised at being manhandled like that, and by how much he likes it.  Well, that’s yet another pleasant discovery he tucks away in his mind for later.  They grind and press, finding a rhythm, the friction just enough of a tease to get them spiraling up towards the edge.  Sam gets his hand between them and squeezes Dean gently, adding more friction.  All of a sudden Dean’s motion speeds up and he bends forward crushing into Sam, Sam strokes him through his jeans as he finishes. 

Dean blinks up out of the haze and smiles with satisfaction and surprise.  “Hell Sam, I haven’t come in my jeans since I was a kid. Come on now your turn.” He pushes Sam’s hand out of the way and begins stroking and kneading his way up and down Sam’s too-hard length, kissing and biting and sucking his way up and down Sam’s neck, Sam still grinding and pumping his hips, his rhythm soon stutters and he groans loudly into Dean’s ear as he comes, “Deean, ahhh, so good.”  They pant against each other for awhile, just holding it all together, feeling the cooling mess in their boxers, hearts slowing down, rough cheeks scraping against each others.  “Sam, I’m not gonna lie, this is almost too much.”

“What do you mean?” Sam sits up, looking at him worriedly.

Dean sees the look on Sam’s face and lets loose with one of his big laughs, eyes crinkled with amusement, holding Sam’s face between his hands gently. “Dude, not like that, bad too much, like too good, too good to be true.  You get that right?”

Relieved, Sam smiles and kisses him deeply and thoroughly, pulling back a bit to whisper “Definitely, message received, too good, but true.  Nothin’ but nothin’ truer than this.”  That small statement moves Dean so much he pulls him into an embrace that he’s been saving up for when he finally felt that Sam had gotten it, what this means to him,  “no kidding Sam, no kidding.”

Sam finally pulls back from the tight hold Dean has on him, “guess we’d better get back in there, they’re probably wondering where we’ve been.  Uh, you think Bobby will figure it out? You know, you and me? “

“Yeah, he probably will, guy’s too smart for his own good sometimes.  Don’t know that I care too much what he thinks, not going to change how I feel.  Hopefully he’ll keep it to himself and not give us a hard time about it.”

“Oh, um Dean, I have something for you.” Sam digs in his pocket and places something in Dean’s hand.  Without looking Dean can tell just by the weight and sharpness of it what the object is.  His eyes fill with happy tears as he puts the amulet back around his neck where it belongs.  “Thanks Sam.  I’m….I’m just so damned sorry I ever threw it away in the first place.  Thanks for never giving up on me.  It will remind me of that every day.” 

“You’re welcome Dean, I’m just glad that we’re finally back to where you’d even have wanted it back from me.”

They both reach up to grab it at the same time, hands closing over each other’s and the amulet.  “Guess I ought to find something like this for you to wear all the time, huh Sam?”

Sam just practically lights up at the idea, and says as calmly as he can manage, “I’d really love that Dean, whatever you pick, I’ll wear it.”  They come back together for one last searing kiss and then slide off the Impala together.

They clean up the best they can with some napkins from the Impala’s glove box, finish off their beers, and go back inside where Bela looks up with a lascivious grin from one of the desk chairs.  “Well lads, glad you’ve got that taken care of, feeling ready for tomorrow then?”

Dean makes his ‘ha-ha’ face at her, “yeah we’re ready I guess, how about you all?” 

Bobby clears his throat, and tries not to blush, because yeah of course he’s figured it out already, what with their flushed red faces, slightly mussed hair and clear wet spots on the front of their rumpled jeans.  “You idjits need to get some rest tonight; all of us do, and keep down the noise wouldya?”  His eyes do widen in surprise when he notices the amulet around Dean’s neck again.

“Sure Bobby, will do.” Sam looks Bobby steadily in the eye as if to ask if this ok or not, he just sees the usual fond exasperation that Bobby seems to always have on his face.  Sam goes over to Jesse who is already deeply asleep on the couch, tucking up the blanket around him, smoothing his hair gently, and looking down at him fondly.  “Guess he’s got a head start on us. See you in the morning.”

“Hey you think that when you pray for Cas to come he’ll show up right away this time?” Bobby asks quietly, deep concern coloring his voice.

“Oh who the hell knows, I just hope this crazy thing works.  ‘night Bobby.”  Dean waves a little and tries to meet Bobby’s eyes as steadily as he can.  Bobby just smiles back at him, shakes his head and mutters something about finally and idjits under his breath.

They’re all up early in the morning, eating a breakfast that Sam and Jesse cook, eggs, bacon, potatoes all in one big mix-up.  The kitchen table is quiet, just yummy sounds mostly from Dean.  Everyone is a little apprehensive for what’s to come.  Bela goes over the plan one last time with them all there.   It’s then time, they all assemble in the living room, Jesse looks pretty nervous, so Sam and Dean stand on either side of him, each with one hand on his shoulders.  He looks up at them with so much trust in his eyes, but he can sense their worry “this is going to work guys, really, you don’t need to worry.”  They both grin at him.  Jesse starts performing the spell Bobby taught him, as Dean prays to Castiel for what could be the last time.  “Cas, I need to talk to you, please, can you wing it down here?” he proclaims with a small waver in his voice that only Sam notices.

Bela and Bobby stand behind the desk with the grounding elements of the spell that Jesse is still casting, adding arcane herbs and other unmentionables into a flaming brazier as he goes through all the complicated words and motions.   Dean and Sam stand at the ready with their probably useless angel blades hidden in their jacket sleeves.  There’s a short wait which begins to fill with tension and then that comes that familiar fluttering sound of wings.  There’s Cas, but not their friend Cas, this is GodCas, the one who wants to be worshipped and obeyed.  Dean and Sam bow at the waist, their compromise to kneeling.  “It has been a long time since you’ve called on me.  What is it Dean?” GodCas asks with a powerful ringing voice.

Dean holds out the grease-stained White Castle bag to him in offering, “Uh, yeah hey Cas, thanks for coming so quickly this time. I’ve got a question for you, all those souls you took in, are they all used up yet?”

Castiel takes the proffered bag without acknowledging it, “No Dean, of course not, I’m conserving them, for when I’ll need them.”

“Oh. Well, that’s good.”  Dean makes the hand signal that they worked out and Jesse begins his attempt to freeze GodCas.  Turning him into a teeny action figure doesn’t work this time, but he’s able to manage a life-size one.  “Don’t have long, finish it, now.” Jesse barely squeaks out to Bela.  She completes the spell which has opened a one way passage up to Purgatory with a sucking wet sound.  Reality to the humans in the room seems to bend and shiver around it, just over the fireplace.  Jesse makes a grabbing pulling motion with both of his hands towards GodCas, it’s like he’s got hold of an invisible rope, pulling hand over hand slowly. Finally there’s a strange tearing sound and Jesse stumbles backwards.  Sam catches him and holds him upright.  Jesse takes a deep breath, sets his shoulders and gathers up the invisible burden straining to carry it towards the bending Purgatory passage.  “Not open for much longer Jesse, hurry.” Shouts out Bobby.

Just then, they hear a small pop and Crowley appears between Jesse and the Purgatory passage.  “I’ll just take those off your hands, shall I?” and reaches out to take the souls out of Jesse’s arms.  Out of seemingly nowhere Cas throws himself in between them just as the souls are being transferred, shouting out “No, you can’t!”  He’s sucked into the Purgatory passage along with the now glowing brilliant bundle of souls wrapped and tied all around him; he disappears to their view as the opening closes up with the same wet sucking sound.

“What just happened? Did Cas just die or something making sure the souls got put back?” Dean yells to the room at large.

Bela and Bobby look at each other with real confusion.  Jesse is staring down Crowley, matching expressions of fury on both of their faces.  “You need to leave, I’m feeling real angry now mister.” He snarls up at Crowley.  Raising his eyebrows, Crowley shrugs and makes one of his smarmy twirls “Nice seeing you boys, thanks for the help. Bela let’s go.”  Bela gives them a little wave, looking a little worried and sad too.  They both disappear with two small popping sounds. 

Sam and Dean shake themselves out of their stupor and go to Jesse, rubbing his shoulders.  “Jesse, you okay?” Sam asks urgently.  Jesse just looks up at him, “yeah sure Sam, I’m fine, just a little tired, we got any orange juice, I’m kinda thirsty now.”  Dean laughs, “Dude, you can have all the orange juice you want after what you just pulled off there.”
“I’m really sorry about your friend Dean.”  Jesse slips his arm around Dean’s waist.

“Thanks, I’m sorry you even had to go through that.  But it’s over now right?  Everything’s back in its right place.” Dean tousles Jesse’s hair and pulls him into a half-hug.

“Yeah, the balance is coming back, I can sense it already.”

“Well that’s good at least something worked for once.” Bobby grumps sarcastically as he’s putting out the fire in the brazier on his desk.

Sam and Dean realize that they need to get out of Bobby’s hair now, and that Jesse seems a little out of it to go off on his own just yet.  So they pack up their stuff, say their thanks to Bobby for once again coming through for them and helping them save the world, the usual.  The three of them pile into the Impala and take off with no particular destination in mind, just mostly wanting to be in motion again, like they’re used to.

Driving away from Bobby’s later that day with a mostly sleeping Jesse on the backseat, Sam and Dean find they’re both feeling really sad about Cas until they get a message from Joshua on the Impala’s radio saying Cas is back in Heaven, on double secret probation for a few thousand years, and that he says to tell them thanks. 

“Huh, well, I guess that’s kinda good news then.  I’m glad we at least know what the hell happened to him.” Says Dean, trying to sound nonchalant and flip.

“I’m glad he didn’t die, saving us again.  Do you miss him Dean?” Sam asks, with concern because he can tell Dean is fronting again.

“Yeah, I guess, a little bit, he was a good friend some of the time we knew him.  But then he really wasn’t.  I don’t think I can ever get over what he did to you though.  I couldn’t ever forgive him for letting you walk around soul-less and then taking down your wall like that.  I mean, it all turned out ok, but we didn’t know that it would, and he didn’t either.”

“I’m sorry.”  Sam says quietly, barely audible over the Impala’s engine.

“What do you possibly have to be sorry for now?”  Dean asks with some exasperation.

“That I didn’t come into Lisa’s house that first night I got back.  Maybe this all could have gone differently if I’d just done that.  But you finally had what you wanted, and even soul-less me remembered the promise you’d made me to try and have a normal life.”

Dean pulls the Impala over onto the shoulder abruptly, gravel spraying up wildly.  Viciously yanking off his seatbelt he crashes his way out of the car without a word, stomping off into the scrub brush, gesturing to himself, shoulders locked down and tight.  Sam watches him for a while, wondering if he should go after him or not.  “Jesse, I’m gonna go talk to Dean, you just stay in the car for now, okay?”  Jesse nods sleepily and lays his head back down on the backseat pile of blankets and pillows he’s arranged for himself.

Sam quietly closes his door and walks quickly down through the scrub towards where he thinks Dean is.  He hears him before he sees him.  Harsh, racking sobs like he hasn’t heard since Dean told him about Hell.  Sam hesitates because he’s not sure if he’s wanted there or not.  He must have caused this upset somehow, but he’s really unclear how what he said triggered all this unusual drama from his brother.  Dean sees him though and when Sam sees his stricken face, he can’t help rushing over to gather him up in his arms.  Dean instantly melts against him as the sobs just continue, seeming to get even more intense.After holding him close for a few minutes, Sam tries to get Dean to look at him, but he turns his head away.Sam whispers in his ear, caressing his hair gently, rubbing calming circles into his back.

“Dean, can you tell me what’s wrong?"

Dean’s only response is to shake his head and try and take some deep breaths to slow down his crying.  Finally it ebbs enough that he can    fiercely choke out, “Didn’t want that Sam.  Never wanted that.  Just wanted you.  And you were gone. And I promised you, so I had to.” 

Sam’s eyes well up with sudden tears, falling hot onto Dean’s neck, “Oh god Dean, I just, I wanted you to try to be happy, that’s all it was, don’t you believe me?”

 Dean turns in his arms to look up at him, sadness and anger warring on his face, streaked with tears and snot.  “How was I ever going to be happy without you, you dumbass?” 

There isn’t anything  Sam can say to that all he can do is to cry harder, “yeah I know that of course I do, but I thought I wasn’t ever coming back, I was worried you’d kill yourself or drink yourself to death if you didn’t have anyone to go to, to be there for you.” 

Dean’s anger intensifies now, “Well, shit, that’s just great Sam, thanks so much for your faith in me.”

Sam responds heatedly, “Dean that’s not fair, I never”

Dean interrupts, “No! What’s not fair is that I was dying there Sam.  Every damned day a little bit more, and I was going to bring them down with me, because I couldn’t function without you goddamnit, there just wasn’t any point.  Don’t you know that?”

“Hell yes I know that! Of course I do! I went through it, twice remember?” Sam spits back at him.

Dean angrily grits out the words as if he’s spitting out gravel, “So why’d you think it would work for me?”

Shoulders bending and sagging in defeat Sam quietly replies, “Ben, I thought it would be different with him there for you to take care of. “

That stops Dean’s anger in its tracks and he starts crying again, softly this time. “Sam I screwed that kid up so bad, if the memory wipe ever fails, God, he’ll be so messed up, I can’t ever forgive myself for doing that to him.”

“No more, no more Dean, don’t do it to yourself.  You did the best you could.”  Sam gathers him back into an all-encompassing hug.

“Huh, the best I could do, what drinking myself to sleep every night?  Leaving Lisa hanging, when she just wanted as normal a relationship as she could get from me.  I was useless, worse than useless, and you were back all that time and I didn’t even know.”  He shakes his head dejectedly and whispers, “I didn’t even know.”

Sam stills reaches up to hold Dean’s face between his warm hands, asking softly, “How could you have known man, c’mon.”

“I just, I just should have known you were back. I could have found you sooner.” Dean looks up into his eyes desperately.

“Dean, just stop, that’s crazy.  You’re not the one with visions and psychic powers remember, you can’t really think you should have known. Not your fault.  No way.  Blame soul-less me, or Cas, but not yourself.” Sam caresses his cheeks, willing him to accept this.  He sees the moment Dean agrees; his eyes change from desperation to a fathomless adoration and asks softly, “Damn, how do you always know how to do that?”

“Do what?” Sam tilts his head in question.

“Fix me.  Just like that, a few words, you hold my face in your big stupid hands and I’m okay again.”
Sam pats his cheek and pinches him fondly, “just one of my many talents, guess I just know how to handle you after all these years.”

“Handle me, huh, I’ll give you something to handle.” And Dean pulls him into a breath stealing kiss.
Sam breaks away slowly, looking dazed, “I don’t mind handling that, not at all.”  He leans back down for another soft taste of Dean’s mouth, eventually pulling off with real reluctance just to breathe, “I’m never going to get tired of this you ought to know that. Never.”

“You better not.” Dean looks at him sternly and then cracks into a big wide grin.

“Hey Dean, can I ask you something while we’re out here without Jesse? It’s about him, it’s kinda important.”

“Sure, of course, he alright?” Dean asks with a hint of worry in his voice.

“Yes, he’s fine, but, well, I was just thinking that we should invite him to stay with us, at least until he’s out of high school.”  Sam asks, voice filled with hope that Dean will agree.

“Stay with us? What live on the road, getting yanked around like we did? Thought you’d never do that to a kid?” Dean is beyond surprised that Sam would even suggest something like that.

“Not exactly.  I was thinking more like we find ourselves a home base, kinda like Bobby has.  And limit ourselves to more local hunts.   He really needs someone Dean; I think the loneliness isn’t good for him, especially at this age, and with what he’s seen recently.  I just feel like it’d be a good thing for all of us.”  Sam’s urgent tone gets under Dean’s skin immediately, he can tell how important this is to his brother, and thinks back to what he’d promised him last night when they were sitting on the Impala. About taking this chance they’ve got and making the life they want happen.

“We could try it I guess, twelve is definitely an age when you need a father figure.  You think he’d want to stay with us or with Bobby?”  Dean’s skeptical that anyone would want to get more involved in their messed-up thing, but he likes Jesse, a whole lot, and he can tell Sam really does too.

“He got along pretty well with Bobby, but I don’t think there’s as much of a connection there for him.  Probably has to do with how we were the ones who told him the truth and all.  Plus we’ve probably got the cooler car.”

“Dude, damned right we have the cooler car.” Dean scoffs proudly.

“You think it’d be okay with him, since he knows we’re brothers and everything?  We never really talked about it with him around.” Sam has to ask this, he really doesn’t know a thing about kids.  Only Dean has the experience of helping raise a twelve-year old, twice now counting Sam and Ben.

“I don’t really want to explain our sex life to a twelve year old, and he probably doesn’t want to ever even think about it, but yeah, we’d better be clear with him at the start.  That is, if he’s even interested in being with us.  He was on his own for these couple of years, maybe he’d rather just keep doing that.”

“So, you’re okay with the idea of slowing down and sticking in one place for a while.  I think it could be good for us.  I don’t know how much hunting I’ll ever be reliable for anyways.” Sam’s not sure Dean gets that they’re pretty much giving up hunting with this type of decision.

“Yeah, I’m okay with it Sam, as long as you’re there, I’m cool with it. Let’s go ask him.” Dean pulls him down for another slow, deep kiss.

Jesse sees the end of the confrontation from the car, can tell it was a major fight or something, and it worries him deeply, even when he sees them kissing, so he goes to the brothers as they come back up the hill. He pulls them both into a hug, his small arms wrapping as far around their waists as he can manage.  “Are you alright now Dean?” he asks with a tremble in his voice.  Sam and Dean search each other’s faces for what to answer him.  Dean ruffles Jesse’s hair, just like he used to do to Sam when he was this age. “Yeah buddy, I’m better now, Sam helped me. Like he always does.”  Dean beams a smile at Sam that takes his breath away for a second.

“Hey Jesse, we’ve got a question for you, what do you say you come live with us?” Sam asks him, trying to keep the leaping surge of hope out of his voice.

Jesse looks up at them, back and forth between their faces, both men looking down at him so expectantly, “What, live with you, like what a family or something?”

“Yeah, exactly like that, a family.  We’d really like to keep hanging out with you, what do you think?” Dean answers him, smiling widely, those eye crinkles showing how deeply he feels.

Jesse thinks for a split second, crowing “Hells yes!”  He grabs them back into a big hug squeezing as tight as he can manage.  Both Sam and Dean hug him back, and smile at each other, feeling their hearts expanding with the thought that they’re making a family of their own, together.

Sam pulls back and looks down at him a little more seriously, “Jesse, you know how Dean and I are brothers?  Well we love each other too, we’re together, like a couple.  And most people aren’t okay with that, it’s even illegal in a lot of places.  So any where we end up living, it will have to be our family secret and we’ll have to pretend that we aren’t brothers.”

“Duh, I already figured that out.  And yeah, of course I can keep a secret, I don’t really care.  Love is love right?”  Jesse has an unfathomably assessing adult expression, as if he’s weighing whether his words have been truly heard.

“Yeah, buddy, love is love.” Sam grins his most dazzling fond smile at both Dean and Jesse. “Well okay then, where do you think we should pick to live?”

And that starts off the big debate as they walk back up the scrubby hill and get into the Impala.  Because they can go anywhere really, with Jesse’s power, their choices are pretty limitless.  After they’re settled back in their seats, Sam suggests “How about we each say one thing that is a must for you, and that will help us narrow down our choices. Then we’ll do another round too.  I’ll write them down as we go. You go first Jesse.”

“I want to live in a house that’s right on a beach, and its gotta be the Pacific Ocean.”
Dean chimes in next, “I want to stay in the United States.”

“I want to be near a college with a law school.” Sam adds firmly, Dean raising his eyebrows at him in surprise.

“I want to live in a big house with a porch and my own floor to live on, and a basketball hoop.”

“I want to live somewhere it doesn’t rain too much and doesn’t ever snow.” Dean says firmly.  Sam snorts a little,
“Dean, you old man you.”  Dean answers with a smile and a shrug, “what, the rough weather isn’t good for my baby.”

“I want to live in an area that’s accepting to gay couples.”  Sam finally contributes.  Dean reaches over to squeeze his hand.

So the discussion goes as they start to narrow down their choices and they finally decide to get a place somewhere on the central coast of California between Santa Cruz and Monterey.  Not too hot, not too cold, not too close to Palo Alto with all those old memories neither Sam nor Dean wants to deal with.  Jesse, who is always reluctant to use his powers, eventually gives in to Dean’s pleading and Sam’s well-considered arguments and fixes it so that they have a nice comfortable home right on the beach in Watsonville. Over the years he’s found that being near beaches is soothing to him, the salt controlling and affecting the half of him that is from demon parentage, and that’s important so that he can stay balanced.  They all remember what happens when Jesse gets upset, and his powers get even a little out of control. 

Sam and Dean make sure to let Jesse know that they’d never have been able to afford even a shack in California on the beach, so he feels pretty good about using his powers to get them set up in a house they can be in for a while to come and with a bank account to support them until they can get some real world jobs.  They drive up to their new place one summer day after a long detour to the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone and Yosemite and unload the small stash of belongings from the Impala.  Jesse races off to check out the beach, leaving Sam and Dean to unlock the front door.

“This is way cooler than I thought it’d be Dean, look at this, all our own, can you believe it?” Sam says, spinning around in the house’s empty living room.

“It really is awesome, never thought it’d happen in a million years. You going to help me mow the lawn and stuff Sam?” Dean asks in as flirty a voice as he can manage through his grin, bumping his shoulder into Sam’s.

“Of course, we get to do the happy homeowner thing now don’t we?  Make nice with the neighbors, all that fun stuff.” Sam threads his fingers in between Dean’s, squeezing gently.

“At least until Jesse goes to college. Just six years, not a problem.” Dean squeezes back.

They head into the house and put a few of their things away.  Sam adding to his already extremely long list of things they need to buy to outfit a home.  Jesse gets the converted attic space, and they get a huge master suite with a deck facing the water and an insanely large bathroom.  Dean’s out on their deck, making sure he can see where Jesse has gotten off to; he’s already found someone to build a large sand castle complex with. 

“So looks like Jesse’s made a friend, think he’ll be down on the beach for a while.”  He turns back to the room, eyes widening when he sees what awaits him. They don’t have a bed yet, just their old sleeping bags zipped together on the floor and a few stolen motel pillows.  And Sam is lying naked on top of them, stroking himself to hardness and giving Dean a look, maybe The Look.  Dean’s not sure since he’s never seen it before on Sam’s face. 

“This our house-warming party?” Dean asks as he starts stripping off his clothes as quickly as he can manage, never taking his eyes off of Sam. 

“Yeah, thought we’d start in here, we’ve got a lot of rooms to christen.”

After too many days in a row spent in motel rooms and tents with Jesse, they haven’t gotten to take much time for themselves, and they’re both eager to try more than just quickly traded hand or blow jobs which is all they’ve shared so far.  Dean notices on top of Sam’s duffle, there’s a large bottle of lube. Quirking his eyebrows “bought the economy size huh Sammy, got some plans you want to share with me?”

“Yeah, I’ve got lots I want to share with you, get down here already.” 

“Why do I always forget how bossy you are?” Dean snarks as he knees his way over to straddle Sam.

“Aww baby, you know you love it.” Sam pulls him down and starts palming his ass.

“Keep doing that and you can be as bossy as you want, but I don’t know about you calling me baby.” Dean groans as Sam nibbles and licks his way up his throat.

“So, how we doing this Dean?  Rock Paper Scissors, or what?” he whispers in his ear.

Dean shrugs, “Honestly Sam, I haven’t done this enough times to know if I even have a preference.”

Sam smiles slowly, “Oh, okay, we’ll experiment, see what works best for us.”

Dean starts blushing, the redness creeping down his chest, struggling to meet Sam’s eyes, “Actually, more honestly, I’ve never, um been on the receiving end, so I have no idea.”

“Oh. Well let’s do it the way you’re used to first, I can’t wait for you to fuck me, it’s all I’ve been thinking about these last couple of weeks.  Then next time, if you want to try I’d love to be your first.”

“My first, you want at this virgin ass huh Sammy?”

“More than I can ever say.”

“Why don’t you show me then?”

“I will do just that. But first, you’ve got some work to do. C’mon get me ready already.” Sam smiles as he hands him the bottle of lube.

Dean groans as Sam spreads his legs so invitingly.

“Go ahead, we don’t have much time till Jesse gets back.”


 “Shut me up then.”

Dean does just that, with slicked-up clever fingers, opening up Sam slowly until he’s writhing on three fingers.  Sam can’t say anything coherent, just gives himself over to the pleasure that Dean’s wringing out of him. Dean finally slicks himself up and quickly sheaths himself in Sam, coming to a stop when he’s all the way inside.  Sam’s eyes close in exquisite pain and pleasure.  Finally he opens up his eyes and locks onto Dean’s.  “You’ve got to move now Dean, c’mon fuck me already.”

Dean grins and starts pumping in and out slowly, speeding up as he realizes Sam wants it faster and harder. “Can’t believe we’re doing this Sammy, that you’re letting me.”

Sam answers him by clenching and releasing harder with each stroke and with a string of muttered “All I want Dean, please, don’t stop, please you can’t stop, don’t you ever fucking stop.  Need you Dean, always need you, just you.”
Dean knew he wouldn’t last long, the overwhelming tightness, the exquisite friction and just the idea that it’s Sam, his Sam that is taking him into his body is almost enough, but his words are what send Dean over the edge, all he can say is a groaned out “Saaaammy.” Sam clenches down on him hard as he comes too, hot and wet between their bellies, the sensation of Dean filling him up inside almost too much.  Thrusting a few more times Dean collapses down on Sam. 

“Welcome home Dean.” Sam whispers softly into his ear.

Dean pushes up so he can see Sam’s face, smiles down at him, “I always was at home with you, but this, this is a whole new definition of home.  Not ever going to leave now.”

Sam returns the smile, eyes so full of happiness like Dean hasn’t seen in years, “Not gonna let you.  Just uh, you have to, unfortunately, get off me please.”

Dean pulls out slowly, Sam gasping as he pops past the rim of his now sore and reddened hole.  Dean looks down and sees what he’s done to Sam and can’t stop himself from leaning down to lick him clean, soothing him with his tongue. Sam wriggles and sighs, it almost feels too good.  Dean pauses to growl “mine” possessively, breath ghosting over the sensitive skin, teeth sinking into the soft fold where his leg meets groin, sucking until there’s a darkening red mark.  Sam shivers from the feeling of being marked and hearing his brother finally claim him. He pets softly through Dean’s short hair and whispers “yes yours Dean, yours.”  Dean scrambles back up, a look of bare animal lust on his face and takes Sam’s mouth harshly and completely, forcing Sam to taste their mingled flavors. 

“God Sammy, what have you turned me into?”

Sam caresses his face, looking up at him fondly, “My lover?”

“Oh Jesus, really, is that what you’re going to call me?”

 “Well to other people, I thought I’d go with life-partner.”

Dean rolls his eyes to disguise how happy this makes him.  “That what you want me to call you?”

“It’s pretty descriptive don’t you think?”

“I don’t think there’s a word that exists that covers it all.  Except maybe what Ash called us.”

Sam’s eyes widen at this reference, he grabs Dean’s hand and kisses the palm, then leans up to kiss the tattoo over his heart, “That’s just between us, okay?”

“Yeah Sammy, just between us.”  He takes Sam’s hand and kisses the palm and leans down to kiss the tattoo over his heart.   They smile at each other, both happy that all seems to be right in their world for once.

They can hear Jesse moving around downstairs now, so they quickly clean up and get their clothes back on, trying not to giggle too much as they hurry not to get caught.   Dean stops him just as he’s leaving the room, digging in his pocket for something that he places in Sam’s hand.  “Here Sam, I thought this would be a good time to give this to you.”

Sam stills, not wanting to see what Dean’s given him and end this wonderful feeling of anticipation too soon.  He slowly opens his hand and sees a small brass pendant shaped like a stylized, smiling beautiful woman’s head.   “It’s beautiful Dean, thank you.  But what is this?”

“Bobby gave it to me when we were leaving, he said it was the companion to this one. Thought they should be back together” Dean pulls his amulet out of his shirt so they can fit the amulets together; they fit perfectly, interlocking together into a two-faced single head.  “See, they really do suit each other.”

Sam looks down at the gleaming brass amulets lying locked together in Dean’s palm and feels a warm glow begin to heat up in his chest and says softly, “Just like us.”  Dean puts the cord around Sam’s neck and adjusts it so it sits right, just below his collarbone.  He pats Sam’s chest, “Yup, just like us.”

Sam’s filled up with too much joy now and he can’t help himself, doesn’t even try to stop the swell of feeling overwhelming him, he lifts Dean up into his arms, “God I love you Dean.”

Dean practically squeaks in surprise at being grabbed like this but answers him right away and with just as much feeling, “Love you too Sammy.”

They hear more noise from Jesse downstairs, so they reluctantly break apart.  They walk down together, and quickly find Jesse searching through all the empty cupboards in the kitchen.

“Jesse, hey, how was the beach?”

“Pretty cool, I’m so hungry, what do we have to eat?”

“Whole lotta nothin’, want to head to the store with me?  Sam’s got a huge-ass list for us.”

“Can we get stuff for making s’mores tonight? There’s a fire pit out there, just past the back deck.”

“Sure of course, sounds tasty.  Sam, add it to the list I guess.”  Sam scribbles something down and hands the paper to Dean.

“See you two in a little while.”  Sam hugs Jesse and leans over and quickly kisses Dean. 

“Ewww, c’mon you guys, total PDA foul.”  Jesse protests, as he’s squished between them.

“Awww, can it small fry. That’s just how we old folks roll.” Dean chuckles as they walk out together.

Sam stands in the front window and watches them get into the Impala and take off together, Jesse so happy to finally get to be riding up in the front passenger seat.  He shakes his head at himself for how sappy he feels inside. That’s his family right there he grins to himself.  He holds the new amulet in his hand, feeling it warm up immediately.  After all that’s happened to them, he finds himself so grateful that they get a chance at normal, at least normal for them.  He lets himself hope that maybe this is their reward for everything they’ve gone through.

Later that night Dean calls Bobby to tell him where they’ve finally settled down.  He’s a little skeptical about the living with Jesse thing, not sure that the boys will know what they’re doing with such a powerful thing such as the anti-Christ.  “Bobby, he’s not a goddamn monster, he’s a kid.  And a pretty well-adjusted, smart and funny one at that.  We’re lucky he’s chosen to stay with us.” Dean scolds him gently.

“I guess, just you guys keep an eye on him, okay?”  Bobby tries to keep most of the worry and concern out of his voice.

“Sure of course, that’s the point, and hey, um there’s something I need to ask you.”

“What’s up?”  Bobby asks, a little warily, because when a Winchester asks something of him, well it isn’t always such a good thing.

“Would it be okay if I used your last name on my new set of I.D.s?  Sam needs to keep Winchester since he’s going back to school and I guess getting the transcripts is a bitch if you have a name change.  This will probably be my last set, since we’re out of the hunting gig for the foreseeable future.” Dean sounds so hopeful, he can’t hide how much it will mean to him if Bobby will say yes.

Bobby’s silent for a moment, thinking of what exactly Dean is asking him here, what it implies if he says yes.  He knows that Sam and Dean are a couple or whatever now, and he really doesn’t care too much since they’re the happiest he’s ever seen them.  He gets right away why Dean would need to change his name and how hard it would be for him to give up Winchester and replace it with something else.  He’s deeply moved, and touched that Dean wants to use his name as his new identity, “I’d be real honored Dean.” 

Dean can hear the emotion in the familiar voice and smiles, “Well I consider it an honor too Bobby.  Thanks.  You know.  For everything.”  They hang up with Bobby promising to visit for one of the upcoming holidays.

Dean Singer first tries working in construction again, like he did during his year with Lisa and Ben, but soon someone he’s building a house for notices the Impala and quizzes him about it.  Turns out the guy owns a specialty auto shop in Salinas where they focus on old muscle cars.  He’s impressed to he        ar the stories about how many times Dean’s fixed up his baby and hires him off the construction crew on the spot.  At first Dean can’t believe his luck and asks Jesse if he had anything to do with it.  “Nope, wasn’t me, I was too busy with my homework this week, it was all you Dean.”  Dean also starts taking some business classes at the local community college, hoping to be able to open his own shop in the near future.  He somehow gets talked into hosting a radio program at the college station.  Of course, his show is all classic rock for a whole hour segment, just once a week, but he plays the hell out of all those songs they used to listen to constantly in the Impala driving from job to job.

Sam Winchester is able to enroll late at Monterey College of Law in the fall semester, getting his transcripts sent from Stanford, it seems too easy at first how it all just came together, but Jesse swears it wasn’t him “No Sam, it really wasn’t me, I don’t know about all that paperwork stuff, how would I have fixed it for you?  Guess you’re just smart, huh?”  He finishes his degree up pretty quickly and finds a job in a local legal aid group for the migrant farm workers in the area.  Sam needs to learn Spanish so he hires one of the already bilingual women who work there to tutor him at home.  She also teaches him how to bake the best pies.  Dean’s thrilled with that of course, and Sam loves to be able to make and feed him his favorite food. 

While all the school and work activities are great and fill up their lives with something that feels purposeful and useful, Sam still struggles with his Hell memories on a regular basis.  Mostly they appear as nightmares that Dean is able to soothe him through, but sometimes he’s gotten trapped in hallucinations in the middle of the day.  They realize this pretty much counts him out from any hunting and Dean isn’t interested in hunting solo anymore.  Both he and Dean miss it of course, but they figure they’re basically on a hunt 24-7 having Jesse around and besides after giving their lives several times over to the cause, it seems like they should quit while they’re ahead of the game.  It’s easier to give up hunting than either of them would have ever imagined. But what’s replaced it, their new life together, and their little family unit with Jesse, it seems almost too perfect.  They both have to remind each other that yes good things can sometimes happen to the Winchesters.  Or the Singer-Winchesters for that matter.

Jesse Singer-Winchester actually enjoys middle school, he’s missed being around kids and is busy catching up on the stuff he missed in the years he was on his own.  Pretty soon he has a group of friends that’s always coming over to their house to hang out, play xBox and throw Frisbees on their stretch of the beach.  He’s happy just to let himself fall back into being a kid, trying, as much as he can to forget about his powers.  He loves Sam and Dean so much already, and feels really safe with them, they don’t treat him like a monster or anything, and he can tell that they love him too in their own way.  No one at school really bugs him about his “two dads”, but he’s prepared to defend them to the death.  After all, one of them saved the whole damned world and no one will ever even know it. 

Jesse feels really lucky to live with Sam and Dean, because he’s figured out that their relationship, however illegal and unconventional is based in a really unusual and powerful love.  And he gets a lot out of being around this love, it’s like an extra warm blanket covers their whole house.  It’s one of those newer powers he’s discovered, not only can he see people’s auras, but also relationship auras.  Sam and Dean’s is like no other one he’s encountered, so he knows it’s beyond rare.  He can see that there’s an inseparable, complicated twining together of their individual auras, as if one couldn’t exist without the other. He wonders if he’ll ever have a partner like that, he starts to let himself hope that he will.  Jesse still really misses his mom and dad, but he knows he can’t ever go back to them, it would be confusing and maybe dangerous too.  His powers easily keep both his parents and his new family all hidden from both angel and demon view. 

Dean and Sam are sitting on their deck chairs, watching Jesse and his friends running around like crazy people on the beach, just drinking a beer and relaxing on a late fall Sunday afternoon.  “Hey, you feel like an old fart yet?” Dean kicks Sam in the ankle to get his attention.

“Little bit I guess.  Why, do you?”  Sam kicks him back, then starts rubbing his toes up and down Dean’s calf, he likes that Dean wears shorts sometimes now.

“Yeah, I do.  I like it though.”  Dean sighs and stretches out in his chair, bowlegs falling open.

“Really, I’m surprised.” Sam responds, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

“Hey, I never thought I’d ever get a chance to live past thirty remember? And here we are with a damned house, a kid in school, and jobs and you know, everything else.”  Dean circles his hand between them, in a motion indicating possibly them, their relationship, the chairs, Sam doesn’t know.

“Everything else?” Sam tilts his head in that questioning puppy dog manner he’s always had.

“Yeah, you and me.” Dean rolls his eyes fondly and finishes off his beer, while Sam focuses on the line of his beautiful throat when it’s on display.

“I’m still your everything huh?”  Sam grins at him widely, amusement and love dancing in his eyes.

“Yes Sam, you are still my everything. And before you ask, yes you always will be.”  Dean tries to look at him sternly, but utterly fails as his whole face softens as he sees Sam’s reaction to his words.

Sam ducks his head down, hoping to hide the tears he knows he’s about to shed, “That’s good to know.  It’s just nice to hear once in a while.”

Dean scoots his chair over closer and pulls Sam into a hug, softly kissing his tears away “Aww Sammy, I always forget you need these chick flick moments every now and then.  I don’t mind them so much anymore you know.”

“Yeah I know Dean.  But, thanks.”

“Thanks for what?”

“For putting up with me, I know I’m not always easy to live with.  And you know, you’re still my everything, and you always will be.”

Dean’s face changes as he hears Sam’s words, looking so intent all of a sudden, holding his face gently between his hands, thumbs sweeping over his lips, green eyes sparkling with that depthless love Sam can never get enough of, “Thanks Sam.”

“For what?”

“For coming back to me.  For saving the world.”

“You’re welcome.”