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The Wanting Comes In Waves

All Sam/Dean, All The Time

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Fic: 8 Conversations That Never Happened (But really really should have) - Season 4 (Sam/Dean, G)

Title: 8 Conversations That Never Happened, (But really really should have) ~ Season 4

Author: smalltrolven

Pairing: Sam/Dean

Word Count:  1,300

Rating: G

Author’s Note: Not my characters, only my words. Written for 8 days of Wincest. Set immediately following “Death Takes A Holiday” 4.15 and right before “On The Head Of A Pin” 4.16

Can also be read over on AO3 right here.


“Here’s to Pamela.” Sam says, lifting his glass.

“Remember when we first met her, she wanted to do both of us?” Dean leans across the small table and clinks their motel water glasses full of whisky together, splashing a bit out onto his hand.

“Yeah, we should have gone for it, would have been hot.” Sam says.

“Coulda woulda shoulda Sammy.” Dean teases, slowly licking the spilled whisky off the back of his hand.

Sam’s eyes glaze over a little, fixated on Dean’s pink tongue, picturing it on Pamela’s nipple, while he licks the other, but that’s not ever happening, because she’s dead. Because of them. He shakes himself to finally manage an answer,

“You think she’s mad at us?”

“Naw, not her.” Dean scoffs.

“Man, we screw up everything we touch.” Sam says, taking a big gulp of whisky, staring out the dirty window at the rain-soaked parking lot.

"Pretty much.” Dean agrees. “Hey, at least we’re consistent.”

“Even you, I mess you up.” Sam says, looking across the table at his brother, perfect as usual on the outside, but torn up on the inside because he knows he’s being lied to.

Dean rolls his eyes, because he can’t take it when Sam gets down on himself, “No you don’t dude, cut it out.”

“I do. And I’m sorry I always let you down.” Sam insists, grabbing at Dean’s hand to hold it tight.

“What are you talking about Sam? Or are you just getting sloppy because we’ve been drinking?”

“I promised you. And I tried. But I couldn’t. And you were gone, just gone.” Sam trails off, getting lost in his hazy memories of those first few weeks without Dean for real. How there’d been no reason to do anything, the anger and loss growing insurmountable, so terrifying in its completeness.

“It’s okay Sammy, I know you tried, and I’m back remember?” Dean switches their hands so he’s holding Sam’s with a gentle squeeze, hoping that’s enough comfort. He can’t even acknowledge how much guilt he’s harboring for leaving his brother behind, lost and adrift, coming apart at the seams, held together by a damn demon long enough for him to get back.

Sam pulls his hand back and puts it in his lap, lowers his head and kind of curls into himself, speaking quietly into his chest, like he knows that asking for penance will do no good, no one can forgive what he’s done, what he’s doing, not even Dean, “No, it’s never going to be okay. I don’t get how you can forgive me.”

“I don’t know how, but I do.” Dean says firmly, willing Sam to believe him.
Sam shakes his head, “Dean you don’t know everything.”

“So tell me.” Dean pleads, reaching across the table to reach Sam’s face, turning it up a little so he can at least see his eyes.

“I can’t, I tried before, you won’t understand.” Sam says, his eyes full of sadness and regret.

“Well how about tell me what Pamela said.” Dean says, hoping that Sam can at least tell him that.

“She told me that I have a great ass.” Sam says, acting embarrassed, but guilty as hell that he’s not telling Dean what she really told him.

Dean grins at Sam’s evident embarrassment, “She’s not wrong there. That all she said?”

“She uh, told me she saw what I did with one of the demons that attacked us.”

“You did your mind mojo deal.” Dean says, like he’s struggling to sound matter-of-fact.

“Yeah.” Sam admits.

“You did that with Alastair too, in the cemetery?” Dean asks.

“Uh huh.” Sam nods, not wanting to elaborate at all.

“How Sam? Because you sure couldn’t do it back when we met Anna.” Dean asks, searching his brother’s familiar face to try and see if he’s getting anything close to the truth.

Sam takes a deep breath and blows it out, “Ruby, she’s uh, been helping me practice.”

Dean goes still, his hand tightening on his whisky glass until the knuckles go white, “But I thought you stopped that.”

“I did. For a while, but then after that magician guy almost killed us. I went back to it. She’s helping us Dean, otherwise Alastair would have had us in that cemetery.” Sam points out. Knowing that the excuse won’t be enough for Dean.

Dean takes a long pull from his glass, giving him a chance to put it together, “So what you said, when the siren had you, ‘bout killin’ Lilith, that’s the truth huh?”

“Yeah.” Sam answers.

“But why?”

“It’s something I’m good at, and I can keep you safe.” Sam says, sitting up straighter in his chair, setting his shoulders and meeting Dean’s eyes so that he can see that he means it.

“But you’re risking yourself Sammy.”
“How is that any different than what you did, selling your soul for me?” Sam asks.

“It just is.” Dean says, knowing he could never explain it.

“What ‘cause it’s for you?” Sam huffs.

“Yeah.” Dean answers, even though that doesn’t even make sense to him.

“Damnit Dean, don’t you get it by now? I’ll go just as far as you did for me, if not farther, to keep you safe and alive.”


“You think you’re the only one who gets to be the protector, just ‘cause you’re the big brother? Sometimes you need protecting too Dean. And yeah you’re worth it, so stow the low self-esteem bullshit for once. I can’t do this without you. Don’t you get it? Same as it is for you.”

“Can’t do what without me?” Dean asks.

“Live this life.” Sam answers. “Remember, I told you? Before your deal came due. That I didn’t think I’d make it very long without you, and it was true.”

“Maybe Pamela was right.” Dean says after a long pause, remembering that long-ago conversation with a different Sam, so desperate to save him from Hell, seems like more than forty years for him.

“What about?” Sam asks.

“We all gotta go sometime.” Dean answers, downing the rest of his whisky.

“Been there done that, both of us, we’re different now.”

“Funny, Cas said the same thing to me tonight.” Dean says.

“Wonder what that means?” Sam asks.

“Immortality is yours little brother.” Dean says.

Sam shakes his head vehemently, “No thank you. Not unless you have it too.”

“You want an eternity stuck with me?” Dean asks with an upraised skeptical eyebrow.

“So what if I do?” Sam shrugs.

“God. You’re a freak.”

“So you keep tellin’ me.” Sam laughs.

“I am too though, right there with you dude.” Dean says.

“Can’t argue with that.” Sam pours more whisky into their glasses.

“To Pamela, we’re sorry we got you killed, but thanks anyways for the help.” Dean toasts.

“Here here.” Sam clinks their glasses together once again. “You think it’ll be quiet for a while now that Alastair’s gone?”

“Hope so, don’t want to see him again as long as I live.”  Dean says with a shudder he can’t quite hide.

“You said Cas took care of him right?” Sam asks.

“Yeah. Hope it was permanent whatever he did.” Dean answers.

“Me too.” Sam says, thinking about how he has to be ready, just in case Alastair comes back. His strange hold over Dean is scarier than anything Sam’s had to face. Sam is filled with the feeling that he might be the only thing standing between his brother and the demons that want to drag him back to Hell.


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This reminds me that I barely remember Season 4 at all. Must re-watch!!!

Loving these conversations.


Oh me too, I definitely don't know season 4 as well as some of the other ones. Glad you're enjoying the conversations, a few more are still coming.

Another good 'un!! Why can't they ever talk like this??

Thanks! Why can't they ever talk like this? Well, my head canon is that they absolutely do, (although not as much as in these fics). We see some of those conversations, but it's more of an action-y show than a talking-oriented show. But yeah, more of those Winchester boys convos in and around the Impala are what we need in season 9.

God, this reminded me of how much Season4!Sam has always bothered me. Loved the conversation, though! If those boys could just talk to each other and communicate properly, they sure as hell wouldn't have been in all these messes... *sighs* But we still love 'em just the way they are, I guess. ;)

Season 4 Sam is always hard to read and write, just as he was hard to watch on the show! He really was screwed up after Dean went to Hell in so many fundamental ways. But yes, their communication issues, ack, that's what this series of fics is about, fixing those messes they've made for themselves.

ugh. I hate it when they lie to each other. m. :)

Oh me too, so very very much. And I love how much they've shown us on the actual show just how much it really affects them to lie to each other.

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